When You Just Need a Piece Of Meatloaf
by TheLilyoftheValley
Summary: It's Meatloaf Day! The best day of the month! The day when the Hall of Heroes cafeteria actually serves real, edible food! Wait, why aren't the doors opening? (Pic from Google, because the only way to publish a comedy story about Qwark is to put his smug face as the cover image...) (Movie-verse) {Part of my Drabble Collection}


_(Whoaaaah! This is a spur of the minute upload. And this is so short too. Yuck!_

 _To give some backstory, I just had meatloaf for dinner, and it was the best meatloaf I've ever had. Except, the entire time I ate it, I could only think about a certain green superhero and his somewhat confirmed love of meatloaf. So, in an hour, I wrote this._

 _This is also my *gulp* Thirteenth story! Yes, I'm kind of superstitious, so hopefully this isn't bad at all. I am still behind on college homework, so I probably won't have any long fics for a while._

 _Well, I think I covered everything. Hope you enjoy this comedy fic!)_

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Ratchet and Clank or any of its characters. But if I did, Lawrence would have been in the RATCHET AND CLANK MOVIE. #Bringbackthebutlerbot.**

When You Just Need a Piece of Meatloaf…

Captain Qwark rushed through the Hall of Heroes, praying that he wasn't too late. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have forgotten the best day of the month? How could he have lost track of time?

How could he have forgotten Meatloaf Day?!

Meatloaf Day was the best day out of the month when it came to the Hall of Heroes cafeteria menu. It was the one day out of the entire month where the food they served was utterly irresistible; it was said to have brought great men to their knees (Qwark knew; obviously he was great enough to be on that list).

Fish? Qwark couldn't stand the smell of it and could barely eat the stuff they served in the cafeteria. Burgers? Most of them were charred pucks and Qwark had to layer on other toppings to cover the taste. A simple sandwich? The meat was always slimy, and half the time it was a heroic gamble when it came to the vegetables. But meatloaf?

Qwark turned a corner and thought about the amazing meatloaf. Apparently the cafeteria could only make one meal perfectly, and that was the meatloaf. A small slice yielded a savory, meaty taste, combined with an amazing blast of ketchup flavor. Along with the meatloaf, the cafeteria served white rice boiled to perfection. If the right mouthful of food was taken, with a bite of meatloaf and a few forkfuls of rice, the universe would part the stars and reveal its secrets.

Qwark was salivating when he saw the cafeteria's double doors at the end of the hallway. Oh Orvus, what if his fellow Rangers ate all the meatloaf?!

He'd have to fire them. After all, no true bro would ever steal your meatloaf from you. And Qwark loved meatloaf.

He bolted for the double doors, ready to bust in and grab the special platter the cafeteria always made for him on Meatloaf Day. He reached out and pushed against the double doors, ready for-

The doors didn't budge.

Qwark felt cold fear slide down his spine. Someone was pranking him. That had to be it. This was all some petty revenge for his betrayal, and they were now locking him out of the one place that held his hopes and his dreams and his lunch.

The superhero started to panic. They were going to eat all the meatloaf. They were going to eat it all and leave nothing for him. They were going to laugh as he fell to his knees, cursing the universe for taking his precious meatloaf away from him.

No. He wasn't going to stand for it. He was Captain Qwark, the Savior of Solana, the Prince of Peril, and the King of that karaoke contest he once won on Pokitaru. There was no way he was going to let a simple door prevent him from achieving Nirvana through meatloaf.

The captain spat on his hands and pushed as hard as he could against the double doors. They still didn't budge.

"Oh," Qwark said, glaring at the doors, "so that's how you're going to play it? Well, Double Doors of Fortitude, I accept your lousy excuse of a challenge." He leaned over and glared at the doors. "I'll have you know I took out Nefarious with a single punch to the gut…," the captain put a hand to his chin, "…or at least I think I hit his gut. It was really dark and he was in too much pain to tell me."

Qwark ran back to the beginning of the hallway, got into a starting position, and ran full speed at the door. He let out a heroic battle cry, imagining himself busting through the doors just in time to claim his meatloaf.

He slammed against the doors, but the doors didn't move an inch. Qwark flopped to the floor, and wondered how low he had fallen. I mean, having a door as your mortal enemy was bad, but lying on the floor pondering at how low you've fallen was just some ironic way the universe was laughing at you.

Qwark hopped up and growled at the door. There was absolutely no way…

He ran down the hall and came back wielding a fire hydrant. He held it like a battering ram, and he thundered down the hall.

SLAM! Ugh, same result as last time.

Qwark's blood was boiling. He stood up and threw away the fire hydrant, breathing heavily. He held up one hand and summoned the Alpha Disrupter. He fired six shots at the Double Doors of Fortitude, but not one of them pierced the doors.

Qwark summoned the Pyroblaster and tried burning the doors down, but the doors stayed perfectly in order. He pulled out the Omega Frost Cannon and shot an iceberg at the doors. They still didn't budge. He summoned the Warmonger and shot every rocket at the doors, emptying the weapon of its ammo and screaming in utter desperation.

The doors stayed in perfect condition.

Nope. Nope. A billion nopes. No way. Not going to happen.

Qwark turned around and bolted for the armory. He was going to get his meatloaf, and he was going to break into that cafeteria anyway possible.

He laughed manically as he sprinted for the weapons room.

* * *

"And that's why we just had bullet-proof, sound-proof doors installed in our cafeteria!"

Ratchet looked at Cora, wide-eyed with disbelief. "Wow, I can't believe the Hall of Heroes was attacked another time and you guys had to use the cafeteria as a place to keep everyone safe."

Elaris chuckled as she poked at a piece of her meatloaf. "Yeah, that was a pretty stressful time. I still can't believe it took us this long to install new doors."

Brax burped, rubbed his stomach, and pushed away his empty plate. "Well, I don't know about you guys, but I want to take an easy afternoon after that amazing meal I just had."

Ratchet, Cora, and Elaris nodded in agreement. Clank suddenly looked up from where he was sitting, reading a science magazine, and titled his head. "Pardon me for interrupting, but do you hear a noise?"

The Rangers listened and, sure enough, there was a low thumping noise coming from the middle of the cafeteria.

 _Thump. Thump! BOOM!_

They all jumped in shock as Captain Qwark burst through the concrete floor, hollering bloody murder. He flew upward on his jetpack, glared at his comrades-in-arms, and let out a scream of pure victory. He held out his arms and took in his moment of triumph against the Double Doors of Fortitude.

Elaris looked at the hole in the floor. "I think my office might need some renovations… again."

Qwark landed and stomped toward the cafeteria lady serving the meatloaf. "My usual platter, Sylvia," Qwark said, giving the serving lady his best smile and batting his eyes in a flirtatious fashion.

The old serving lady looked off to the side before looking back at the captain. "Um, Captain, sir, we're all out of meatloaf. The Rangers just finished eating it all."

Indeed, a great man was brought to his knees that day.

Qwark whirled around and fell to his knees in utter defeat. Manly tears poured out of his eyes as he pointed at the double doors. "IF ONLY YOU HADN'T PREVENTED ME FROM REACHING MY MEATLOAF-" The captain broke down sobbing, and the serving lady quickly escaped back into the kitchen, claiming that she needed to clean up her workspace.

The Rangers were silent as they watched Captain Qwark bawl his eyes out in the middle of the cafeteria. Ratchet leaned over and whispered to Clank. "Qwark does realize the new doors they installed are 'pull doors' and not 'push doors,' right?"

* * *

 _So, care to explain how you didn't see the handles Qwark?_

 ** _"*scoffs* I'm ten feet tall while everyone else is shorter than me! I couldn't see the darn things!"_**

 _Rrrriiiiight. Anyway, I have a few more drabbles in mind. The upload time is... unpredictable. But if you want to read more of my stuff while you wait, check out my other Ratchet and Clank fics ( A Doctor's Warning , Teachers and Students , Captain's Log... Somewhat , Her Secret Agent). Don't forget to favorite and review my stuff, and check out my bio for any planned, upcoming stories._

 ** _"*crosses arms and give TheLilyoftheValley a smug look* Any reason why you're doing more self-promoting than me at one of my conventions?"_**

 _I miss getting reviews from people. Don't call me out on my petty desperation._

 ** _"*rolls eyes* See ya Cadets! And please don't believe what Lily writes, I'm not that stupid... *shifts eyes left to right*_**

 _XD_


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